The promise (19/02/81 – 25/08/2017)

The promise (19/02/81 – 25/08/2017)

I’ve always been a little hedonist at heart. But my daydream was brought to life through the encouragement, determination, belief and love of my beautiful husband, Karl.

Karl and I met just short of 10 years ago in the Netherlands. It was as if two halves of the same soul sat down at a dinner table and said, “There you are, I’ve been looking for you all my life.” We’ve been inseparable since then; we loved and laughed and journeyed and moved continents and mountains. Our love story is truly extraordinary, and I’m hoping to share more of it as I embark on this new long road.

Karl believed in me; he believed in me when I didn’t dare to believe in myself or my writing. Through his gentle reassurance and kind heart, he sent me on this adventure, which lead to the birth of The Little Hedonist as you know it today. I, and by association, The Little Hedonist, was his pride and joy; he would boast endlessly about his talented wife who is now living out her passion for writing and food. He indulged in my happiness and drank in my smiles and success, as he fed his own soul from my unadulterated joy.

He ate every meal with me, edited every photo with me, proof read every review with me. We built the website together and talked social media for hours. He handpicked the restaurants to review and always, always made sure we do at least a couple of reviews every weekend so that I don’t fall behind with content. We debated and dreamed and laughed because it made us so happy. We were so happy. It was the start of something so incredibly beautiful.

Just more than a week ago, my beautiful Karl left this world as we know it. I wish I could’ve carried this cruel burden for him. I would pretty much have done anything to save him from this harsh and unnecessary fate. Now I find myself free-falling through space as the world I knew has suddenly shattered under my feet, leaving me completely devastated, confused and questioning the fairness of it all. 

He woke me up one night not too long ago and made me promise to keep on writing. He made me promise that I should continue being The Little Hedonist even if he couldn’t be there, as he only ever wanted me to be happy, and he knew that this was where my heart and soul found peace. I told him through the tears that he was being silly and that he should try and get some sleep, but he must’ve been scared that night, as there was an urgency in his voice, a quiver in his words. He held my hands in the darkness of the night and he made me promise.

So this is where I’m at. Lost. Completely alone and lost. But, with the last grain of my strength, I can recognise that my most awesome Karl left me the gift of The Little Hedonist. God knows where this will go, or how it will evolve. But I will write. I will write, because my life depends on it right now.

Photo credit: Sharyn Hodges Photography

4 thoughts on “The promise (19/02/81 – 25/08/2017)”

  • We’ve never met, but one of my best friends (Ellen) has told
    Me About you, long before last week. I’m a writer too, and know how hard it can be at the best of times. It’s almost 20 years since I was at Norton Players, but Karl’s gentle soul and kind nature made an impact. I can’t imagine how this is for you, but if there is ever anything I can do – writing related or otherwise – please know that I’m here. Your writing in this post is beautiful, seems he was wise as well as kind. Go steady and be kind to yourself as this part of your journey unfolds. Sending love and light in the dark. X

    • Dear Anna,

      It is such a small world. Ellen was very dear to Karl; and still is to me. I would hardly call myself a writer; I think “writer” is a title that must be earned through hours and hours of dedication. At the moment I just have this need to put words to paper as, unlike Karl, I’ve never been a public speaker. I find peace in seeing letters form words, and words forming sentences. It gives me time to process and in turn, to heal. Thank you for reaching out to me; I’m finding immense comfort in the words of those who Karl impacted in one way or the other. Thank you also for your kind words about my writing. I will continue to write for as long as my heart is filled with the memory of my beautiful husband, and that in itself signals an eternal project. Please keep in touch. A x

  • Stand strong, Karl will show you the way, but my heart bleeds for you and your loss, there are simple no words that will help or fill the void. You have truely loved and was loved in return. You have shared in the most powerful force in the world: love. And that love will not fail you. You will be lost, but keep your eye on the faint light of love there for you now, and it will grow into the beauty of a life lived!

    • Dear Karin,

      Many thanks for your incredibly kind words. It has been the most difficult few weeks in my life, but his kind heart and generous love kept me putting one foot in front of the other. It still feels as if this is just a bad dream; I’m still suspended in this constant state of disbelief, but as you say, I’m keeping my eyes on Karl and the life he built for us. He was an exceptional human being; and I’m so humbled that I was chosen to spend this amazing life with him. A x

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